|SUMMARY OF ALL THE EMAILS I RECEIVED IN THE YEAR 2006
I must send my thanks to whomever sent me the one about rat poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope
that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
I am still waiting to receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates is sending me
for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to email, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.
I will never check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will hack into my line for
which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Iowa,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider
is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to all the great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I find in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex predator
waiting underneath a car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 60
minutes, you will have 10 years of bad luck. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...